I would urge you to go to a 54 Years Of 1966 2020 Star Trek Characters Signatures shirt. Maybe write out what you’re feeling and thinking like you did here. You definitely need resolution and a way to find closure so you can have a healthy relationship with people. The setting expectations so people can fail you is a way of avoiding getting close and having the ultimate failure happen again. I hope you can get some help so you can be content with your life and with people. I’m not saying happy because that’s a very big expectation.
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My mother killed herself when I was a teenager in high school. It’s a 54 Years Of 1966 2020 Star Trek Characters Signatures shirt of yourself to face and process, no matter what you do. I see you and know how you feel; I know because I have lived the same life. You are creating reasons to re-live that abandonment, over and over, because apart of yourself thinks you deserve it and apart of yourself blames yourself. I recommend finding a therapist…it may take more than once, maybe even 10 times, to find the right one but there are good ones that exist and join a suicide support group.