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Nursing seemed a special torture, and as hours passed, her robust cry became weak. “Pneumonia,” the newborn intensive care unit declared. But as our days on antibiotics progressed, she became unable to
breathe without more help each day. And her response to us seemed to dry up like a winter creek far, far downstream. As IV lines failed in Grinch hand holding choose kindness you always have a choice sweater, they were replaced, so as to have the access needed to keep her. One morning I arrived to see small spots of her blood spilled on the floor from the previous night’s battle to keep her veins open to nutrition, medicine, fluids. A life line that that created pain.

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Lines that cost wrenching sobs for us both. A part of me instantly dulled to a small dot and went far away that day. It’s not yet been resurrected. Each day my desperation grew, and Grinch hand holding choose kindness you always have a choice sweater in my mouth.
Kind doctors, nurses, and therapists stayed late searching, and cried with us. Family and friends sacrificed to help. Weeks passed. Weeks where my three-year-old stopped calling me Mommy. He cried at the sight of my hospital “parent” lanyard being swung onto my neck, knowing it meant me gone for hours. Mommy OR Daddy, rarely the two together. Nothing predictable, everything confusing, sad, sad parents in spite of the fake show of happy. I would stare at the cheery sign taped in the window above the kitchen sink, “Choose Joy”. It mocked me.

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This baby who fought for her place here among us found her savior in a feeding tube. A tube down through her nose, that fed her past her sloppy swallow, past a rejecting stomach, and deep into her intestines. Too deep to decline. A new perkiness was the halo to her coos and smiles for all. Redemption came one night when she pulled out her tube, determined to show the Grinch hand holding choose kindness you always have a choice sweater  she only needed her family. It earned her a home. Our home. We left the hospital and the tube behind with gracious thoughts of warmth for all who held our hands.