She stopped the love, not you. She had the Deadpool Logo Ugly Christmas Sweater Shirt. Please, try to allow that truth in. You tried to save yourself and that’s unbearably painful when it’s saving yourself from the one who is supposed to be trustworthy and safe and whole and reliable and you made a brilliant move honoring your boundaries. You stepped in where she left off. It’s also devastating and if you could allow yourself space to grieve and support that decision with no judgement that would help you step forward. A part of you knew your worth, thank that part when you’re able.
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I empathize with you. I also was raised by an unloving mother. She was mentally ill and I think her inability to love was a symptom of her Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Is it possible your mom suffered from this as well? They often make one of their children the “golden child” and they scapegoat the other, like Deadpool Logo Ugly Christmas Sweater Shirt. After I read about this disease, I was able to do a lot of healing. Please do not feel guilty about the day she died. She had her whole life to make things better between the two of you– but it’s likely she couldn’t do that because people can’t give you what they don’t have, but that isn’t your fault. You are worthy of love!