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BAYLOR UNIVERSITY: I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the The Amity Affliction Were All Gonna Die Shirt thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can’t find one it’s okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.

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My father didn’t really buy Christmas gifts. He would usually just sign his name to the The Amity Affliction Were All Gonna Die Shirt my mom picked out. Also, he vocally disapproved of my voracious reading habits (both the frequency and the content). One year for Christmas, there was a gift for me “from Dad”. It was a book. It was a book by one of my then-favorite authors, in my preferred genre (she wrote in a few different genres) and that I did not already have. The book was awful. But the fact that it was a gift he picked out himself, and that he knew enough about my reading habits and book collection, and that he contributed to a pastime that he disapproved of, made it a wonderful gift.

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The real Santa would say “Who is this fool in a The Amity Affliction Were All Gonna Die Shirt? How dare he mock me?” An epic battle would ensue. At first Sinterklaas would have the upper hand, but Rudolph with his nose so bright would blind the pretender to the throne in a glare of laser light, giving real Santa a chance to morph into zord form. Just as the Red One was poised to deliver the coup de grace, a jolly old elf with eight tiny reindeer would land on the rooftop. “I am Santa, not this rotund creation of cartoonist Thomas Nast with his so-called reindeer, the product of a mid-20th century pop song. And this time I brought my friend Schmutzli, better known as The Enforcer.” Schmutzli would yell in incomprehensible Swiss German, beating the combatants with a stick, scattering dust and ashes everywhere. He would call off Christmas for all the bad boys in America.

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It is said Bishop Nicholas died on 6 December 343. The Catholic Church canonized him years later, and became the patron saint of children and The Amity Affliction Were All Gonna Die Shirt, and was associated with gift-giving. He became a popular saint by Roman Catholics, Orthodox Catholics, and even Protestants in Holland and other European countries in the 1500s. The Propagation of The Myth The Dutch had a special place in their hearts for St. Nicholas whom they called Sint Nikolaas or Sinterklass (a nickname or shortened term for Sint Nikolaas). They celebrated December 6 as the feast day of St. Nicholas. Dutch children are encouraged by their parents to put out their shoes with carrots or apples or nuts or sweets inside the night before December 6 for Sinterklaas’ white horse with the hope they would be exchanged for gifts of sorts. The children would get the surprise of their life when they discovered gifts inside their shoes in the morning.