A badger who can’t decide where on the road it wants to be. When I first saw it, it was in the opposite Mama dont let your babies grow up to be cowboys Willie Nelson shirt . Then it ran across to mine, then back again. Finally it ran into the bushes at the side of the road before deciding against that and where it really wanted to be was directly in my path. If anyone’s ever heard Jasper Carrott’s “insurance excuses” sketch, it very much was “I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”. As I had been braking, the badger went under my car at a speed of only 20 mph or so. (It would have been so much easier had I been doing triple that.) There’s a bang as it goes under the car and (presumably) hits its head on the sump (oil pan). I stop the car. Put it into reverse to engage the reverse lights and see behind me. The badger is now blocking the road. I’ll have to move it to the side so other cars don’t hit it. Oh fuck, no. It’s moving. Proper death spasms.
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I use my little keyring torch to go back and have a look – yep, poor thing is making an horrific noise. Imagine a dog being eaten by a Mama dont let your babies grow up to be cowboys Willie Nelson shirt , and they’re both vocalising their displeasure about the situation. Also, badgers are much bigger than I imagined them to be. Like, not the size of a spaniel, more the size of a labrador, but with a spaniel’s legs. I run back to the car. What have I got in here that would do the job? Snow shovel might not be heavy enough. I briefly wonder if there’s any painkillers in the first aid kit, but if there are, it’ll be some paracetamol tablets, and I’m not sure I could convince a dying badger to swallow them without a glass of water. Then I see it, under the boot floor. The tyre iron. Or whatever the thing is you get the wheel nuts off is called when change a tyre – wheel brace? Anyway, it’s got just enough heft to dispatch our friend, I hope.