you waste too much valuable time on a empty front door. i hate how the first paragraph just wastes the reader’s I asked god to make me a better man he sent me my son I asked god for an angel he sent me my Granddaughter shirt . that time would be better spent introducing your character and getting the reader to engage with her before the reader loses interest. i would suggest that you just describe her starting off her day while dropping pertinent biographical details as she prepares to go out. then you do the package scene. i’m also very confused about the heavy police response to what appears to be a simple case of stalking. sure you get around to the socal slasher, but at that point i’m already speculating about other reasons why the response is so atypical. that information comes far too late in the chapter. this event seems to be part of a sequence of events in teegan’s recent life, but her reaction is more like this is the first time something like this has happened to her.
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it’s odd that she is so unprepared mentally/emotionally for something that she has prepared for. doesn’t she own a gun for this I asked god to make me a better man he sent me my son I asked god for an angel he sent me my Granddaughter shirt? her reaction to these events needs to be clearer. i think you intend to make this illiya character an important part of this story, but i have to wonder why illiya doesn’t appear here. if illiya is a secondary protagonist then illiya should be more than merely mentioned at the end of chapter one. and if not then why put so much emphasis on illiya at all at the end of chapter one when you should be setting up the next chapter.. overall there’s just too much fat in this for it to be effective as a chapter one of a novel. you need to decide on the foundation of this story/characters and focus on it. once you’ve done that you can add things that only further the story/characters. anything that doesn’t serve the story/characters is just a distraction for the writer and an annoyance for the reader.
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