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So I lit a candle, transforming the interior into a small ball of dim illumination, and making the outside world seem all the darker for it and no less foreboding. I quickly followed the first candle by a half dozen more to stave off the darkness and growing chill, moving Max into the back seat and placing them on a cookie sheet on the passenger seat, (using a bit of hot wax to stick them down) hoping they would keep us as warm on this frozen night as they had on countless ones before hand. (A single candle gives off a surprising amount of warmth, and you could buy them by the dozen for only a Heeler and Christmas gift for her gift for him gift for Heeler lover ornament or two at most thrift stores, and after xmas lots of places just throw the ones they used as decorations in the trash so I was pretty loaded with candles at the time.) After I had the reassuring warmth and light of fire holding the nightmare of wind and frost that clawed at my car at bay for a time, I crawled in the back seat with Max under a few blankets and tried to get comfortable.

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At the time Lois was 12 years old. That’s not young for a cat but it’s also not old. She was healthy other than the need to have that weird throat growth drained. If my sister had allowed me to decide I would have of course said that I would make sure she had the proper treatment to continue living for at least a couple more years. So I guess my hardest goodbye was so hard because it wasn’t really a goodbye at all. I never got to see her off, I never got to hold her one last time, I never got to sit next to her and comfort her as she drifted off to sleep forever. I lied to my family and told them I was fine, then I went home and cried. I screamed at the world, raged against the circumstances I’d found myself in. I had lost my best friend and never had a chance to say goodbye. It’s been a Heeler and Christmas gift for her gift for him gift for Heeler lover ornament of years since then and I have adopted two other cats. They are full of love and bring me happiness everyday but I still sometimes call the black one Lois without thinking, or wonder how she’d respond to these two intruders in her home. Hopefully now that she’s gone she’s just be happy to know that I’ve found a couple of new friends.

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The other two were hyper-focused on their careers, had few friends outside of work, had no sports or hobbies, and even if they were married they had little romance in their lives. They saw their extended families maybe at Thanksgiving, Xmas, weddings, and funerals. They were always “too busy” to get together with friends. Their friends “understood,” so the friends included them less and less. For those two, when it became apparent that the Heeler and Christmas gift for her gift for him gift for Heeler lover ornament, chemo, and radiation were not able to save their lives, they were depressed and angry. They felt cheated and betrayed. They regretted not having spent the time and energy to develop more and deeper friendships and having postponed doing all the things they’d told themselves they would do at some point in the future when they “had more time”.