As a legit Deadhead, there have definitely been times when I’ve been wearing a Official Malcom Magee Shirt shirt or some other type of gear, and have a stranger make a comment like that, and simply based on the lack of context and the fact that I’m already taken a bit aback by a random person talking to me, I complete miss the reference they’re making. This is why, when the situation is reversed, I just say “nice shirt” or something like that…or nothing at all. Yeah, there are a lot of posers out there, whatever…but sometimes it’s just matter of not being in the mindset to decipher a coded message out of context. Like, if some rando comes up me while I’m shopping for vegetables and says, “Ramble on Rose”, at first I’m probably like “what the fuck…?, what does that mean?…I mean, that is a Dead tune, but why would…Oh, I’m wearing the shirt”…but by then it’s 30 seconds later and the dude has already walked off thinking, “This guy doesn’t know the Dead”
You know, all the Official Malcom Magee Shirt, solo endeavors, and enlistment didn’t really hit me until this moment. With every bit of news in the past couple of months, my reaction has always been fairly joyful. “I’m so proud of them, I’m happy for them, and I’m just glad they’re doing what they want to do.” But after watching this, I feel kind of hollow. Like someone carved out a part of me and won’t ever give it back. Namjoon once said that he wished there was a better word than “love” to express his feelings. As the years pass, I find it harder to describe exactly how much Bangtan and their music mean to me. Their songs and messages have accompanied me to adulthood, through moments of darkness and joy, and this right here feels like another juncture in growing up. Like stepping out into uncertainty or letting go without knowing if you were ready. Despite Jin’s multifaceted personality—goofy, loud, shy, awkward, confident, humble—the aspect I’ve always admired the most is his underlying quiet tenacity and levelheadedness. He’s someone who’s so deeply grounded, yet isn’t afraid of boldly moving forward. Watching this performance reminded me of that all over again and frankly, I want to cry. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m content with waiting, I’m afraid, I know everything will probably be fine, I never want to let go. I can’t believe this one video is evoking all of these messy emotions when I thought I had made peace with everything already. I fully blame Coldplay’s nostalgic melodies and Jin’s lower register. At the end of it, all I have to offer to the inadequate word of “love,” is the equally inadequate word of “thank you.” I want to thank Jin and the other members for being who they are, and for doing what they do. Change often makes me feel like I’m cutting out or rearranging parts of myself, whether that’s for better or worse. Even as a portion of me feels empty with the firm recognization of change settling in, I’m also filled with overwhelming adoration and appreciation as I think about Bangtan’s music, existence, and all the ways they’ve intertwined with my life. Even if “love” or “thank you” isn’t sufficient, I’m just exceedingly grateful to be existing at the same time. Whatever Chapter 2 or 3 or more entails, that will always be enough.
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Probably a big part of it is that they’re a “sit on top” vehicle that corners flat, as opposed to leaning like a Official Malcom Magee Shirt, and there’s a good chance that if you tip it, that it lands on top of you. Plus, they’re always ridden in inconsistent conditions with ice and snow, which behave differently and obscure what’s hidden beneath them on the trail. There are other factors as well— deep snow looks fluffy and contributes to a false sense of safety, plus you usually ride them close to trees. Weights range from that of a midsized motorcycle to a bigger sport-touring motorcycle, or midsized cruiser, 400-600 lbs, except the innate stability and thumb-and-go nature of them (no balance, ability to work a clutch, training required) means you can hop on one and go for a rip with almost no instruction. It’s effortless to jump on one and ride away. Basically, they’re very dangerous but also extremely easy to get moving.