Still, when I think back to that moment… that moment when we had to Good Women do still exist , it felt like murder to me. He knew we were there. He had to know what was about to happen. He was placed into a deep narcotic slumber and his ventilator was turned off. Let me tell you, he did not go gently into that good night. The body fights to stay alive. Pressing his bible into his swollen hands, I held onto him and watched each breath. His head instinctually arched back, opening his throat to try and get more oxygen into his lungs, but it was a futile effort. His breathing was laboured, and I found my eyes glued to his chest. It became a morbid game where we tried to pinpoint the exact moment that his body was going to give out. I remember my mother’s tear-filled proclamation that “That’s it, he’s gone”, only to have his chest heave again as if to say “Not yet, woman… not yet.” Time was sort of at a standstill, but I believe it took about fifteen minutes before he couldn’t fight it any more.
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I took it hard. So hard that it actually shocked me. I loved my father, but like Good Women do still exist a lot and we rarely spoke even when we were in the same room. My father was an introvert so it was easier for him to sit passively by and let my mother and I talk whenever I came over. Still, I’ll never forget that when we didn’t have enough money, he worked two jobs, or that when I was eighteen, a twenty dollar bill mysteriously appeared under the bathroom door right before my big date . I loved my dad. I still love my dad. I miss him every day. I am the man who I am today because of him. My mother is eighty-six now. I don’t want to think about how hard its going to be to lose her.